An adventure of Bob Derob, Bored-est man in the Universe
Posted By DavidT on March 12, 2009
Filed Under Flash Fiction, Urban | 3 Comments
Here’s a silly little story I wrote in the spirit of Wednesdays. It was a slow day.
One Wednesday Bob Derob, bored-est man in the universe, sat down on a park bench to watch birds feeding, roller-bladers skating, children complaining, and so on. He didn’t see any roller-bladers, and none of the children were complaining (though some were quite obnoxious). He sat, and sat, and sat. Birds pecked listlessly at other people’s lunches. Breezes failed to ruffle the dangling tails of Bob’s overcoat. His nose was very slightly numb.
Eventually, a feeling of intense boredom — no, UN-intense boredom, which is quite worse — stole over him. He decided to get up and do something else…but couldn’t! His boredom was so overwhelming that he was too bored to get up!
“Help, help me!” he cried. “I’m bored and I can’t get up!”
He realised, after a short moment of reflection, that his inambulatoriality was starting to become rather exciting. Whatever would he do? Would he have to stay stuck on the park bench forever? How would he live? What would he eat? Pigeons? Where would he go to the toilet? Poor Bob Derob had no idea…but he was certainly finding his perilous new existence rather thrilling!
After a time, Bob realised that he was no longer so bored, what with the prospect of being forced to catch pigeons with his bare hands and spend the rest of his life no more than a metre and half away from an ever-accumulating pile of his own waste. With a sigh of relief, Bob decided that he was no longer too bored to stand up, and therefore he was free.
Bob had just tensed both his buttocks, in preparation for making his stand for freedom, when a chilling thought entered his head. If he stood up and walked away, he would no longer be at risk of eating raw pigeon for the rest of his life. Which was, theoretically, a good thing. However, the frisson of the possibility of being condemned to such a life was exactly what had enabled him to become sufficiently un-bored to get up off the park bench. If he got up, the horrid possibility would be averted, and without that, he would have nothing to stave off his excruciating boredom. If he had nothing to stave off his excruciating boredom, he’d be too bored to get up.
What to do? Stand up, and go back to boredom, or sit, and live on pigeon forever, and never know again the feeling of clean underpants? Would he be forced to live in some kind of bizarre eternal Homerian standing-up-sitting-down-standing-up-sitting-down loop? How would he ever catch a pigeon under those circumstances?
Fortunately for Bob, paradox critical mass abruptly caused him to cease to exist. Whew!
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3 Responses to “An adventure of Bob Derob, Bored-est man in the Universe”
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ZOMG. I would leave a comment, but I’m laughing so damn hard I can’t!
I guess the above statement will have to be enough.
ROTFLMAO! I’m still laughing.
Poor Bob. =)
As always,I loved your story.
And again as always..I laughed until I cried.
Your a very gifted man my friend.
Thanks for making my day.